Behind the keys again. There hasn’t been many times that I’ve been here without anxiety due to the task. Now, I am doing this just as a personal release, to free my mind as well as to explore its depths, but it hasn’t been too long ago that I was having to form long, complete, elaborate ideas into words as homework every night for college. It tore me apart. Many nights I was reduced to a crying fit in the floor after I had deleted my starting paragraph a hundred times due to the eventual trailing of my ideas that would eventually change the entire topic of the paper. It got so bad, I eventually just gave up on doing papers all together in fear of the debilitating feelings I would experience. This continued all the way to the point where my inability to accomplish any tasks left me reeling in a downward spiral of depression to attempted suicide, from the point in which I withdrew from college on medical leave terms.
For a number of years now, I’ve know that I’ve had anxiety and depression but with the numerous trial of drugs for the diseases, I have came across one that has done some pretty amazing things for me. Buspar. I know I’ve mentioned Buspar in one of my other posts on here but it is leading me into a whole other possibility of my struggles, ADHD. At the startup of Buspar, I noticed that I was able to hyper organize everything (relative to my standards), the house was staying tip top clean, my paperwork was nice and neat where everything was easy to find. I had the desire, the flow that made these once daunting tasks just roll about without any effort. I was coming up with ideas to make my life easier, tools that helped my stay even more organized which saved me time, money, and headaches. I could sing, and I could sing well, I could remember all the lyrics to songs and stay right on top of the beat. I know that was kind of a random bit there but it was truly major leap for me for I had been a music major in college, where counting long rests was nearly impossible, I always got lost and never knew when to come back in on my part; I could barely march and play at the same time. Also, when I first started Buspar, I could remember things unlike anything I’ve ever been able to do prior to taking it, I could remember a number of things at once without having to focus so hard on just remembering one thing, I wasn’t just constantly forgetting basic things. It has always been extremely difficult for me to sit down in front of a TV and finish a movie, books are the same way, but since the start of Buspar, all this has began to change somewhat, however, the effects are beginning to wear off now, which is somewhat discouraging.
After all this time, countless therapists, stays in mental hospitals, it was never considered to check for ADHD. I did a little research and before I had started Buspar, I was on a natural alternative kick to help provide relief to my symptoms. I found that Yohimbe provided very similar benefits that Buspar has, so I researched what both targeted in the brain it has to do something with being an Alpha 2 agonist. It turns out that some ADHD medicine targets that specific receptor, so I’m seeing some promising signs here, I believe.
I know this very blog that I’ve just typed doesn’t nearly have the flow to it that I could have provided, I am experiences difficulty focusing right now, but I have sat down and forced myself to type it regardless.