Heart of the Soul

I am at a loss. At a loss with what to do with my life to make me feel like I a belong where I am. Am I not doing enough, or am I doing just what I need to do and it’s just the feeling of satisfaction I can’t achieve. I am going on 26 now and I feel like a plastic bag in the wind just like 8 years ago. When does it stop? Could it be that no matter what I do, if I just look around I see that everyone is just plastic bags in the wind? Maybe I’ve actualized to the fullest the song, “Dust in the Wind,” and I haven’t made peace with the fact there is no grandiose to life that I’d like to believe and in that I am in a constant state of disappointment. How discouraging is that? How null it makes it to realize this, maybe that’s why I refuse to settle.

Why do I feel that I need the grandiose to feel complete? Is this just American social conditioning at its finest? Grandiose is brought forth by notoriety which means we look to others’ acceptance of the way we live our lives in order to feel complete. We look for all the numbers, how many like us, how much money do we have, how young or old we are, and never at the quality of anything.

How do I recondition what’s been conditioned for so long in me? The ego says quantity over quality to attach things to itself to feel bigger, at this rate I will just continue to pick up the garbage of the external, the false representations of who I am. Quality is turning within with what is already there and realizing that you have everything you need already, to see all that’s shadowed by the ego that says, “it’s not enough, do this, make it better.” It’s the voices of all the noise, I must seek the stillness, where the heart of the soul abides.

Heart of the Soul

Post-adolescent Angst Resurgence

For far too long the confines of society and corporate/militarial America has held my head underwater. I am just one subservient part of many that powers the insatiable death machine. 

I’m always wondering why I do not possess a general feeling of wellbeing and fulfillment without the consideration that the life we live isn’t natural, and it isn’t. I tell myself that the happiness I can not find is always due to my own attitudes and beliefs, which I know that that is a part of it, but I consistently throw out of reasoning that there is an external element of it, too. I must quit always faulting myself, that I’ve got to always conform to my environment, the way of the world, and learn to instead, hold my ground, challenge my world, and be a driver of change of IT. The deadness that I feel is because I have let the power of my soul to be stripped from me, it’s instituted at birth. I need to bring about a little adversity, stop being tossed about, being battered and tethered to an oblivion.

Post-adolescent Angst Resurgence