Relinquish

Lose myself. Drift into a welcoming eerie sense. 

I long for madness—a day when I fully let go, and be swept away, where I let it all roll before my eyes. Complete surrender to this unstoppable, fleeting existence.

Then I shall know peace. Then shall I see this life play out before my eyes, and into a sleepy, gentle lull, enjoy it.

Relinquish

Addicted to the Addiction

The inevitable has finally come. A moment of sudden introspect a brought me reeling back to reality. I am taking a ‘code 19’ tomorrow at work because of my drinking habits. This will make the 20th relapse it seems. I guess that’s all part of an addiction to a large degree — insanity. It’s insane that I keep telling myself that’ll it’ll be okay each time. Each time, it’ll continues to get so bad that a breaking point will finally come. Calling into work has usually been my breaking point. Luckily, work, and my partner are the two things that has always brought me back, but there was a time in the not so distant past that I was on a 3 year bender, 18-21, which I liked to never recover from. I have to remember that to know that the situation is not so passive as it has been, and that there is a ticking time bomb that is always on the verge of going off.

It’s not that right before each jump I feel like things will be different, like I can suddenly handle my alcohol, but it’s more of a sense of a ‘reset’ that I long for. I think that mostly, whereas the three year bender I was trying to escape myself, I more so crave this drunken roller coaster ride as a gage to know whether I’m truly high, or truly low in life. Even keel living kills me.

I will always have this intense sense of elation after I write off the alcohol, knowing that I’m about to embark on another attempt at stepping up to the plate. Generally, I have always lacked the motivation and sense of gratification to engage in constructive activities like writing, exercising, eating right, meditating, reading, yoga, singing, dancing — the precepts to feeding the human spirit, but it is always the beginning of my sobriety the propels me in knowing that they are necessary to break from the bonds of addiction. I have not quite reached the point to where I know that these things are what I need if I really want to flourish, as well. I get to a point to where I’m comfortable, and that comfort is always the beginning to the end.

I have to find a way not to allow myself to forget where I’ve been and where I am without the alcohol. I believe that I am stuck in the stage of not knowing that the fruits of labor do not come without toil and time. Really, though, the only way to truly get there to realize what delayed gratification produces, is just doing. I look for this ‘motivation’ but I guess I have to move on from that process of thinking, to where grit finds its foothold.

I know that some can accept the status quo, and be fine blowing through life, but maybe this is a mutiny of my soul to get me to wake the f*&k up, to tell me, “no, you are not just going to be a bumbler,” that it’ll take me down the path of destruction, whether partial, or complete, to realize that.

Addicted to the Addiction

Youth, a return

My time, it is here. Writing will always be the sweet release my soul yearns for. When I can’t find the words in my head, they pour forth onto this keyboard.

I must stop thinking with my head and start thinking with my heart. I cannot trust my head, it deceives me, it is the spring of all my doubt. My heart, my intuition, when I trust the ‘I just know,’ I will always find my way. When I feel that buzz in my chest, that burn in my stomach, I know that my being is telling me where to walk and it is forward to new places, to growth in my life. My head places me in incessant insanity, forever going in a circle, forever going nowhere.

Our childhood we hold strong intuition, creativity, the spark of a genius, this is a point where we know no bounds, our dreams are as wide as the Universe. Over time, this internal wellspring slowly dies as we allow the noise of the world, the constant bombardment of structure to be just about everything other than yourself overtake you; this is where you move from the heart to the head.

I lost my way as I entered my adolescence, the point in life where we’re told to grow up, to abandon all those unrealistic dreams, those dreams that I’m sure would have came true just by the unbridled passion of youth alone, which is one of the most powerful forces ever known to man. Maybe this is why it’s suppressed, we must be prepared for the box that the nature our society demands of us to fit in.

Adolescence, the point when our imagination is laid to rest, when pretending isn’t favorable amongst our peers, because now that we can reason, we are suggested to the reason of conforming. We are told to stop dreaming, that there is no link between our dreams and reality, settle into what society has prefabbed for you, you shall not fail there. Take this template, one of which your soul does not project, this is told by those who allowed their dreams to be cut short.

The only reason there is this divide between reality and our dreams is because we are told that there is. Now, 26, I intend to abolish that divide once more and return to the magic of my childhood that is brought forth by the intuition that we’re all born with. I must come to believe once more that my dreams are never too big, that they can become reality, that this all can happen as long as I trust what I feel in my heart of hearts, and remain fervent no matter how long my head – the noise of the world that has restricted me to a confine of what can be, tells me that I can’t.

I must follow my heart in the seemingly uncertain places that it tends to lead, it will never lead me farther than I can handle, it will never be a useless venture. If the heart yearns it, there is something to gain, it may not take you where you expected it to, it rarely does, but if you follow it you will go to places where few men have ever gone.

Youth, a return

One Nation Under The Media

I know I have been guilty of it and I am going to try really hard not to just constantly regurgitate everything in social media. I’m not saying that what I post isn’t what I whole heartedly believe in but I know it greatly reduces it’s credibility and genuine flare if I’m not openly expressing it in my own understanding. 
Social media began and still is a brilliant tool in exposing the lies and political propaganda of mainstream media by being able to connect and report at an unprecedented level in media history, where those who have no agendas, us, the people, report current issues and affairs as they are, face value, the bare human factor, in the a way that directly affects our lives, emotions, and our community. 
For the first time in history we don’t only have just a major news outlet to report what’s going on in our world that only represents the perspective of the political machine to persuade the people in ways that push beyond our own interests by deceiving us that their political interests are our own. However, increasingly we are seeing that social media is just becoming another extension of division where we are able to attack one another more personally, perpetuating the galvanization of the people even further. 
When will we realize that they are the ones making it us against ourselves by fueling opposing ideas amongst us so that our attention may not be adverted to the true cause of the chaos that is going on in the world, the governments of the world. This way we are stuck meddling in our petty spats, forfeiting our right as a republic to take responsibility and govern ourselves by not being able to suck it up, our childish ways, in realizing that we’re all different. Learning and understanding each other’s differences is exactly what made America as great as it is today, and I beg to say that the the idea of the current greatness of America is just merely an illusion built up of what it formerly was. 
If we are bold enough to take a moment to find common ground, it is a true assurance of being able surpass any distaste for one another’s differences, and through the compassion that would be wrought from this, enable us to bring about compromise for the greater good, the reunification of a strong republic, one that is not controlled by the media, Hollywood, or our government, but by the people, for the people.
I hope and posses constantly the vision of an awakened people.

One Nation Under The Media

Heart of the Soul

I am at a loss. At a loss with what to do with my life to make me feel like I a belong where I am. Am I not doing enough, or am I doing just what I need to do and it’s just the feeling of satisfaction I can’t achieve. I am going on 26 now and I feel like a plastic bag in the wind just like 8 years ago. When does it stop? Could it be that no matter what I do, if I just look around I see that everyone is just plastic bags in the wind? Maybe I’ve actualized to the fullest the song, “Dust in the Wind,” and I haven’t made peace with the fact there is no grandiose to life that I’d like to believe and in that I am in a constant state of disappointment. How discouraging is that? How null it makes it to realize this, maybe that’s why I refuse to settle.

Why do I feel that I need the grandiose to feel complete? Is this just American social conditioning at its finest? Grandiose is brought forth by notoriety which means we look to others’ acceptance of the way we live our lives in order to feel complete. We look for all the numbers, how many like us, how much money do we have, how young or old we are, and never at the quality of anything.

How do I recondition what’s been conditioned for so long in me? The ego says quantity over quality to attach things to itself to feel bigger, at this rate I will just continue to pick up the garbage of the external, the false representations of who I am. Quality is turning within with what is already there and realizing that you have everything you need already, to see all that’s shadowed by the ego that says, “it’s not enough, do this, make it better.” It’s the voices of all the noise, I must seek the stillness, where the heart of the soul abides.

Heart of the Soul

Post-adolescent Angst Resurgence

For far too long the confines of society and corporate/militarial America has held my head underwater. I am just one subservient part of many that powers the insatiable death machine. 

I’m always wondering why I do not possess a general feeling of wellbeing and fulfillment without the consideration that the life we live isn’t natural, and it isn’t. I tell myself that the happiness I can not find is always due to my own attitudes and beliefs, which I know that that is a part of it, but I consistently throw out of reasoning that there is an external element of it, too. I must quit always faulting myself, that I’ve got to always conform to my environment, the way of the world, and learn to instead, hold my ground, challenge my world, and be a driver of change of IT. The deadness that I feel is because I have let the power of my soul to be stripped from me, it’s instituted at birth. I need to bring about a little adversity, stop being tossed about, being battered and tethered to an oblivion.

Post-adolescent Angst Resurgence