ADHD Nightmare

Behind the keys again. There hasn’t been many times that I’ve been here without anxiety due to the task. Now, I am doing this just as a personal release, to free my mind as well as to explore its depths, but it hasn’t been too long ago that I was having to form long, complete, elaborate ideas into words as homework every night for college. It tore me apart. Many nights I was reduced to a crying fit in the floor after I had deleted my starting paragraph a hundred times due to the eventual trailing of my ideas that would eventually change the entire topic of the paper. It got so bad, I eventually just gave up on doing papers all together in fear of the debilitating feelings I would experience. This continued all the way to the point where my inability to accomplish any tasks left me reeling in a downward spiral of depression to attempted suicide, from the point in which I withdrew from college on medical leave terms.

For a number of years now, I’ve know that I’ve had anxiety and depression but with the numerous trial of drugs for the diseases, I have came across one that has done some pretty amazing things for me. Buspar. I know I’ve mentioned Buspar in one of my other posts on here but it is leading me into a whole other possibility of my struggles, ADHD. At the startup of Buspar, I noticed that I was able to hyper organize everything (relative to my standards), the house was staying tip top clean, my paperwork was nice and neat where everything was easy to find. I had the desire, the flow that made these once daunting tasks just roll about without any effort. I was coming up with ideas to make my life easier, tools that helped my stay even more organized which saved me time, money, and headaches. I could sing, and I could sing well, I could remember all the lyrics to songs and stay right on top of the beat. I know that was kind of a random bit there but it was truly major leap for me for I had been a music major in college, where counting long rests was nearly impossible, I always got lost and never knew when to come back in on my part; I could barely march and play at the same time. Also, when I first started Buspar, I could remember things unlike anything I’ve ever been able to do prior to taking it, I could remember a number of things at once without having to focus so hard on just remembering one thing, I wasn’t just constantly forgetting basic things. It has always been extremely difficult for me to sit down in front of a TV and finish a movie, books are the same way, but since the start of Buspar, all this has began to change somewhat, however, the effects are beginning to wear off now, which is somewhat discouraging.

After all this time, countless therapists, stays in mental hospitals, it was never considered to check for ADHD. I did a little research and before I had started Buspar, I was on a natural alternative kick to help provide relief to my symptoms. I found that Yohimbe provided very similar benefits that Buspar has, so I researched what both targeted in the brain it has to do something with being an Alpha 2 agonist. It turns out that some ADHD medicine targets that specific receptor, so I’m seeing some promising signs here, I believe.

I know this very blog that I’ve just typed doesn’t nearly have the flow to it that I could have provided, I am experiences difficulty focusing right now, but I have sat down and forced myself to type it regardless.


ADHD Nightmare

Meds or no meds, that is the question.

Mostly, I have always been against medication, preferring the natural route whenever possible. I hold the idea that the medication that is prescribed to us is merely band aids, not really addressing the issue, perpetuating our sicknesses so that big pharma may always have our business. Yeah, I know, where’s the aluminum foil hats, right? I’ve never been able to not question the motives of others, especially organized groups where power and/or big money is involved. Naturally, I know that the bigger an organization is, directly proportional is their aptitude in becoming corrupt.

I’ve been plagued with depression and anxiety for much of my life and I have been vigilant in understanding it from all points of view and attempting the prescribed fixes for each. I believe I’ve tried the majority of supplements there are out there, you should see the tote that I have in my closet. There have been a few of the supplements that have provided relief in my depression/anxiety and at times, I thought were the answer, quickly my tolerance would build, or there would be the sexual side effects that I’ve been avoiding like the plague. My main reason for abandoning SSRI’s was the fact that they gave me sexual side effects so I thought going a natural route would allow that to be avoided; it did not. I also avoided the SSRI’s because most caused some major memory issues that made me feel like I was losing my mind.

The first time I took the Indian spice, turmeric, I gained almost an immediate relief from my depression but was quickly discourage by the sexual side effects that it too caused. Not only did the turmeric cause sexual side effects, it seemed that the several times after trying it again I was unable to ever replicate the first desired effects it provided. Of the most recent times attempting turmeric supplementation, it actually caused increased depression and sent my addictive behavior in hyper-drive. I just don’t understand it. The next best supplements that had provided a glimmer of hope were rhodiola, combined with holy basil. The rhodiola helped with the depression and anxiety and the holy basil really helped with the social anxiety. However, these effects were hit and miss as well, the sexual side effects weren’t as bad as they were on SSRI’s and the turmeric, they were managable.

As you can gather, this is all extremely discouraging, I get really tired and even more depressed in my search for some consistent relief of my depression and anxiety. Currently, I have given the meds a chance again and am on Buspar, what I really like about it is that it has increased my sex drive, bringing back the drive I once had prior to 2015. It seemed as if January 1st my sex drive decided to take a vacation, or who knows, maybe retirement. I am only 25, and am male. The Buspar has really helped my social anxiety, strengthening the bonds at work, which in turn has given me more tools for success in advancing myself at work. The Buspar has also helped manage my OCD and ADD, there would have been no way that before I could write all this without becoming discouraged because I couldn’t hold to one topic, or focus long enough, giving it all up. I am getting better at finishing projects. The only complaint that I’ve found with Buspar is that it causes me to oversleep, oh, it’s such amazing sleep, though. I do have a tad bit of forgetfulness, but nothing major. The Buspar doesn’t, or hasn’t yet helped with the depression, hopefully it eventually will, or I will find something that will. I go back to the doctor June 9th, I’m hoping something else will give me the hope to get me through again to endure the discouragement.

Note, I haven’t just tried the medication and supplementation, I’ve tried many forms of meditation, I still practice those, I exercise, constantly tweak my diet seeing if that provides any relief, seek support from friends and family. Maybe there is something that I am or not doing that I haven’t discovered yet. Maybe there’s a calling that I’ve yet to find, regardless, I will keep searching.

I am totally open to any advice that you all may have, it would be so much appreciated.


Thank You.

Meds or no meds, that is the question.


I am attempting to affirm what I already know by doing a journal entry via typing. I know that I’m a traditionalist, therein viewing that modern technology often proves to be a trap of our gifts as humans, dulling down our senses and intelligence by over use of this convenience, require us to use less mental energy to obtain the information that we are seeking. Consequently, less effort, simply put, in using our brains, is breaking the links in our neural pathways. Without the strengthening of these neural pathways, they become weaker and unable to provide the computational abilities that our brain once had prior to the plethora of modern conveniences that the technology of today provides. Despite all of this, as much as I hate to admit, typing provides me with a more elaborate expansion of thought, flow, and comprehension of the topic that I’m trying to convey, far beyond that of pen and paper. As well as a traditionalist, I am a hopeless romantic, it is so appealing, the thought of having your journal and going out on a nice sunny day to write in the thick of nature. How despicable is the thought of doing that with a laptop?

Like anything, too much of anything is a bad thing, it is all about moderation. I know that why I remain so adverse to technology because it continually appears to be a sort of addiction, people not being able to get their heads out of their television screens, phone screens, computers, etc. long enough to realize what is going on in the world around them, frequently putting themselves and others in danger, just look at how reckless someone who is talking on the phone or texting someone can become who is at the wheel of a vehicle. Not to mention that we are putting our safety at risk but the relationships with the people in our lives are beginning to tether at an ever expanding virtual world. I am 25 years old, the heart of the technological demographic and I can’t stand how my friends, even my partner become so consumed in their phone when they’re in the company of each other. You can’t stay connected long enough to reach a significant intimate level with another if you constantly have to put each other on pause to tend to another world.

I just hope we awaken at some point to see that sometimes, if not most of the time, we need to disconnect, get back to reality, live the fullness of life that the thousands of miles and unending dimensions that this world can offer, not confine ourselves to little boxes.

Peace to All

Thank You


New to Blogging

I’m not sure really what purpose blogging serves but I feel that it will help bring some responsibility to my much needed journaling.

I know journaling isn’t for nothing, it helps to focus and understand what’s on the inside but I’ve always known myself to need a little of other’s recognition to motivate me far beyond what I could ever do for myself. I know this may be a sad facet, indicative of a degree of low self esteem but if it causes an arousal of my droned out form of existence I’m experiencing then I’m up for any sort of relief.

I feel that blogging may develop just the support I need by an outside source to look in, lending a different perspective as to what’s going on and probably changing the view of what I see to be the case of what’s going on inside my own self.

All are welcome and I look forward to the possibilities this may spur.

Peace to all

Thank you

New to Blogging