Addicted to the Addiction

The inevitable has finally come. A moment of sudden introspect a brought me reeling back to reality. I am taking a ‘code 19’ tomorrow at work because of my drinking habits. This will make the 20th relapse it seems. I guess that’s all part of an addiction to a large degree — insanity. It’s insane that I keep telling myself that’ll it’ll be okay each time. Each time, it’ll continues to get so bad that a breaking point will finally come. Calling into work has usually been my breaking point. Luckily, work, and my partner are the two things that has always brought me back, but there was a time in the not so distant past that I was on a 3 year bender, 18-21, which I liked to never recover from. I have to remember that to know that the situation is not so passive as it has been, and that there is a ticking time bomb that is always on the verge of going off.

It’s not that right before each jump I feel like things will be different, like I can suddenly handle my alcohol, but it’s more of a sense of a ‘reset’ that I long for. I think that mostly, whereas the three year bender I was trying to escape myself, I more so crave this drunken roller coaster ride as a gage to know whether I’m truly high, or truly low in life. Even keel living kills me.

I will always have this intense sense of elation after I write off the alcohol, knowing that I’m about to embark on another attempt at stepping up to the plate. Generally, I have always lacked the motivation and sense of gratification to engage in constructive activities like writing, exercising, eating right, meditating, reading, yoga, singing, dancing — the precepts to feeding the human spirit, but it is always the beginning of my sobriety the propels me in knowing that they are necessary to break from the bonds of addiction. I have not quite reached the point to where I know that these things are what I need if I really want to flourish, as well. I get to a point to where I’m comfortable, and that comfort is always the beginning to the end.

I have to find a way not to allow myself to forget where I’ve been and where I am without the alcohol. I believe that I am stuck in the stage of not knowing that the fruits of labor do not come without toil and time. Really, though, the only way to truly get there to realize what delayed gratification produces, is just doing. I look for this ‘motivation’ but I guess I have to move on from that process of thinking, to where grit finds its foothold.

I know that some can accept the status quo, and be fine blowing through life, but maybe this is a mutiny of my soul to get me to wake the f*&k up, to tell me, “no, you are not just going to be a bumbler,” that it’ll take me down the path of destruction, whether partial, or complete, to realize that.

Addicted to the Addiction

ADHD Nightmare

Behind the keys again. There hasn’t been many times that I’ve been here without anxiety due to the task. Now, I am doing this just as a personal release, to free my mind as well as to explore its depths, but it hasn’t been too long ago that I was having to form long, complete, elaborate ideas into words as homework every night for college. It tore me apart. Many nights I was reduced to a crying fit in the floor after I had deleted my starting paragraph a hundred times due to the eventual trailing of my ideas that would eventually change the entire topic of the paper. It got so bad, I eventually just gave up on doing papers all together in fear of the debilitating feelings I would experience. This continued all the way to the point where my inability to accomplish any tasks left me reeling in a downward spiral of depression to attempted suicide, from the point in which I withdrew from college on medical leave terms.

For a number of years now, I’ve know that I’ve had anxiety and depression but with the numerous trial of drugs for the diseases, I have came across one that has done some pretty amazing things for me. Buspar. I know I’ve mentioned Buspar in one of my other posts on here but it is leading me into a whole other possibility of my struggles, ADHD. At the startup of Buspar, I noticed that I was able to hyper organize everything (relative to my standards), the house was staying tip top clean, my paperwork was nice and neat where everything was easy to find. I had the desire, the flow that made these once daunting tasks just roll about without any effort. I was coming up with ideas to make my life easier, tools that helped my stay even more organized which saved me time, money, and headaches. I could sing, and I could sing well, I could remember all the lyrics to songs and stay right on top of the beat. I know that was kind of a random bit there but it was truly major leap for me for I had been a music major in college, where counting long rests was nearly impossible, I always got lost and never knew when to come back in on my part; I could barely march and play at the same time. Also, when I first started Buspar, I could remember things unlike anything I’ve ever been able to do prior to taking it, I could remember a number of things at once without having to focus so hard on just remembering one thing, I wasn’t just constantly forgetting basic things. It has always been extremely difficult for me to sit down in front of a TV and finish a movie, books are the same way, but since the start of Buspar, all this has began to change somewhat, however, the effects are beginning to wear off now, which is somewhat discouraging.

After all this time, countless therapists, stays in mental hospitals, it was never considered to check for ADHD. I did a little research and before I had started Buspar, I was on a natural alternative kick to help provide relief to my symptoms. I found that Yohimbe provided very similar benefits that Buspar has, so I researched what both targeted in the brain it has to do something with being an Alpha 2 agonist. It turns out that some ADHD medicine targets that specific receptor, so I’m seeing some promising signs here, I believe.

I know this very blog that I’ve just typed doesn’t nearly have the flow to it that I could have provided, I am experiences difficulty focusing right now, but I have sat down and forced myself to type it regardless.

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ADHD Nightmare

Meds or no meds, that is the question.

Mostly, I have always been against medication, preferring the natural route whenever possible. I hold the idea that the medication that is prescribed to us is merely band aids, not really addressing the issue, perpetuating our sicknesses so that big pharma may always have our business. Yeah, I know, where’s the aluminum foil hats, right? I’ve never been able to not question the motives of others, especially organized groups where power and/or big money is involved. Naturally, I know that the bigger an organization is, directly proportional is their aptitude in becoming corrupt.

I’ve been plagued with depression and anxiety for much of my life and I have been vigilant in understanding it from all points of view and attempting the prescribed fixes for each. I believe I’ve tried the majority of supplements there are out there, you should see the tote that I have in my closet. There have been a few of the supplements that have provided relief in my depression/anxiety and at times, I thought were the answer, quickly my tolerance would build, or there would be the sexual side effects that I’ve been avoiding like the plague. My main reason for abandoning SSRI’s was the fact that they gave me sexual side effects so I thought going a natural route would allow that to be avoided; it did not. I also avoided the SSRI’s because most caused some major memory issues that made me feel like I was losing my mind.

The first time I took the Indian spice, turmeric, I gained almost an immediate relief from my depression but was quickly discourage by the sexual side effects that it too caused. Not only did the turmeric cause sexual side effects, it seemed that the several times after trying it again I was unable to ever replicate the first desired effects it provided. Of the most recent times attempting turmeric supplementation, it actually caused increased depression and sent my addictive behavior in hyper-drive. I just don’t understand it. The next best supplements that had provided a glimmer of hope were rhodiola, combined with holy basil. The rhodiola helped with the depression and anxiety and the holy basil really helped with the social anxiety. However, these effects were hit and miss as well, the sexual side effects weren’t as bad as they were on SSRI’s and the turmeric, they were managable.

As you can gather, this is all extremely discouraging, I get really tired and even more depressed in my search for some consistent relief of my depression and anxiety. Currently, I have given the meds a chance again and am on Buspar, what I really like about it is that it has increased my sex drive, bringing back the drive I once had prior to 2015. It seemed as if January 1st my sex drive decided to take a vacation, or who knows, maybe retirement. I am only 25, and am male. The Buspar has really helped my social anxiety, strengthening the bonds at work, which in turn has given me more tools for success in advancing myself at work. The Buspar has also helped manage my OCD and ADD, there would have been no way that before I could write all this without becoming discouraged because I couldn’t hold to one topic, or focus long enough, giving it all up. I am getting better at finishing projects. The only complaint that I’ve found with Buspar is that it causes me to oversleep, oh, it’s such amazing sleep, though. I do have a tad bit of forgetfulness, but nothing major. The Buspar doesn’t, or hasn’t yet helped with the depression, hopefully it eventually will, or I will find something that will. I go back to the doctor June 9th, I’m hoping something else will give me the hope to get me through again to endure the discouragement.

Note, I haven’t just tried the medication and supplementation, I’ve tried many forms of meditation, I still practice those, I exercise, constantly tweak my diet seeing if that provides any relief, seek support from friends and family. Maybe there is something that I am or not doing that I haven’t discovered yet. Maybe there’s a calling that I’ve yet to find, regardless, I will keep searching.

I am totally open to any advice that you all may have, it would be so much appreciated.

Peace.

Thank You.

Meds or no meds, that is the question.