I am at a loss. At a loss with what to do with my life to make me feel like I a belong where I am. Am I not doing enough, or am I doing just what I need to do and it’s just the feeling of satisfaction I can’t achieve. I am going on 26 now and I feel like a plastic bag in the wind just like 8 years ago. When does it stop? Could it be that no matter what I do, if I just look around I see that everyone is just plastic bags in the wind? Maybe I’ve actualized to the fullest the song, “Dust in the Wind,” and I haven’t made peace with the fact there is no grandiose to life that I’d like to believe and in that I am in a constant state of disappointment. How discouraging is that? How null it makes it to realize this, maybe that’s why I refuse to settle.
Why do I feel that I need the grandiose to feel complete? Is this just American social conditioning at its finest? Grandiose is brought forth by notoriety which means we look to others’ acceptance of the way we live our lives in order to feel complete. We look for all the numbers, how many like us, how much money do we have, how young or old we are, and never at the quality of anything.
How do I recondition what’s been conditioned for so long in me? The ego says quantity over quality to attach things to itself to feel bigger, at this rate I will just continue to pick up the garbage of the external, the false representations of who I am. Quality is turning within with what is already there and realizing that you have everything you need already, to see all that’s shadowed by the ego that says, “it’s not enough, do this, make it better.” It’s the voices of all the noise, I must seek the stillness, where the heart of the soul abides.